Restlessness

Given how I was as a child, I think that some people (mainly my older siblings) might be shocked to know how difficult it is for me to truly relax, just sit, or do nothing for any period of time.

As a child, my siblings used to say that I had two speeds, slow and stop, and to their point, I didn’t move very fast, really at anything, or at any time, but oh how things are different now!

For whatever reason, I always feel like I need to be doing something, or if I’m not, I am not feeling very productive. I hear of others that can spend an entire day just sitting and binge watching shows! I can’t even imagine that! Well, maybe if it was a rainy day and there was nothing else to do, but I guarantee that I could still find a closet to clean or organize somewhere, so no, I can’t imagine.

Now there are exceptions to that rule, such as; (and this only applies when all of my house work is done) hanging out at my pond, while I am meditating, or, on the rare occasion that I do go on vacation, (and it is usually to a beach) I can definitely relax at the ocean. That is a force that I don’t even try to reckon with.

I attribute the vacation relaxing to not being at home where there seems to be the never ending "to do" list that always nags at me, and even though I am sitting quietly during meditation, I can rationalize that as I technically am doing something productive, such as trying to quiet my ever noisy mind.

But other than those occasions, I just can’t seem to do it. When guests are over, it’s hard for me to sit and enjoy their company for very long without the feeling that I should be checking on dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and ensuring that they have everything that they need.

I honestly don’t know when this compulsion kicked in, but I have to think that it’s in my genes and there is nothing that I can do about it as my son seems to suffer from the same thing. Poor guy!

My mother told me stories about my German grandparents who came to America from Prussia which might explain some of this. When my mother and father would be visiting them, as soon as my dad put an ash in the ash tray, my grandmother would quickly grab the ashtray, empty it, wipe it out, and put it down before my dad could get another puff on his cigarette. That sounds exhausting, and luckily I am not quite that bad, but some who have seen me might also argue that point.

She also told about how my grandma would swiftly gather any candy wrappers and take them to the trash as soon as anyone took a piece of candy from the candy dish. Now that I can relate to! Ugh…

Here is an interesting thought to me. (Or at least I think it’s interesting) Although I can’t sit still for very long at home, I really don’t have the urge to always be going places, so I can’t attribute my restlessness to wanting to get out of my house. I actually would rather be at my house, than just about any other place. Well, any other place like running errands. I would gladly leave my house for something fun to do!

So I wonder, is this an inherited Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or is it something else? Am I trying to make up for all of the “slowness” that I lived throughout my childhood? Maybe a little of both?

While writing this blog, I came across opinions for both sides of restlessness, some saying it’s a good thing, and others not so good, and so who really knows?

I think I need to conduct a study of sorts to find out. Maybe a nice long vacation, to a beautiful hot beach somewhere would help. If such an opportunity popped up, I would be more than willing to take that on and report back my findings, but first, I have to stop writing and make dinner.

 I mean, I have been sitting in front of this computer for over an hour now!

Spring

Just like snowflakes, there are no two seasons exactly alike and there is beauty to be found in each one.

Every year, each season is different than the last, and this spring is no exception.

Here in the Midwest, we had a fairly mild winter, so with that comes the fun of seeing who is going to emerge as the victors in the spring.

So far, my observations are that the blue jays, squirrels, wasps and bumble bees (the fuzzy huge freaks of nature, not honey bees) are flourishing like crazy! Let’s hear it for the winners!

I have not seen one hummingbird yet, even though I heard that they returned and have had my feeder out for a week anxiously awaiting their arrival.

The geese have come, left their mark, i.e. droppings, and are now gone to where I have to assume is sitting on their nests hatching their young. Goslings are adorable!

The deer have been in and out of my yard, but not to any large degree, so we will see if any fawns show up in June with their Mommies. I do hope I get to see at least a few of those cuties.

In contrast to last spring after a long, cold, snowy winter where the mosquitoes, ticks and fleas were abundant, I have not had to deal with much of those yet, however, I did notice 3 bats this last weekend while soaking in my hot tub, so I have to assume the mosquitoes are out there, somewhere.

The coyotes have made a comeback after someone in my area took it upon themselves a few years ago to "thin the herd" Grrrrr!   Circle of life, people!

The bass in my pond not only survived but thrived over the winter, and by the looks it, my grass carp did as well. This will make for a much more pleasant swimming experience this summer not having to feel the weeds around my feet.

The trees, bushes and flowers are bursting back to life daily showing off their vibrant colors and scents. This never gets old.

One of the things that never seem to change regardless of the severity of the prior winter is how well the dandelions in my yard always do! Just once it would be nice to have a perfectly lush green lawn minus them, but they do serve a few purposes, (though I don’t see myself cooking them or making any wine, the honey bees seem to like them), so they will never be anything that I will fight too hard to get rid of.

My least favorite and saddest parts about every spring is the abundance of dead wild life on the roads, and the “free kittens and puppies” signs that dot the telephone poles around the county.

(Picture me on my soapbox here)

With all of the reduced and free spay and neuter services available now, I just cannot understand why anyone still allows for their animals ( city or country people, house or barn animals) to reproduce, knowing how many innocent animals get put down every single day.

Enjoy all of the beauty, newness and renewal that spring has to offer, just please don’t make one of springs newness’s be an unplanned animal that may have to be put to death due to no fault of their own.

Writing

 

Writing is something that I have always loved to do. It feels as natural as breathing to me. That is, until I feel like I HAVE to write, then it’s something that feels like it’s suffocating me!

I never thought of it as a love/hate relationship, just a way to get my thoughts about everything down on paper. But lately, since I have been seriously considering making writing an even bigger part of my life, it feels like it has become one of those things. You know, those things you hate to do like cleaning the bathrooms. You don’t want to do it, but you know that you have to, so you eventually get to it, but only after every other chore is done and you have no choice but to suck it up, dive in, and just do it.

Now I am not comparing writing to cleaning toilets by any stretch, because I could not live without writing, but sometimes....

The thing is, my brain always has a million thoughts going on, so I could write 24/7 if I really wanted to, but obviously that is not feasible, nor would it be very interesting, so I find myself mentally discarding, or at the very least, filing many of my thoughts away, hoping that something mind-blowing will enter my head to write about.

Here is my second problem. Even though I write for myself, there is still that little voice that tells me “Yes Meg, you might think that (insert one of my thoughts here) is interesting and amazing, but will the masses?” Now that alone is funny, because I know that there are not masses that are reading my blogs, but still, on the off chance that someone does read it, I would like to at least have something interesting in there. So the battle in my brain rages on.

I loved the Seinfeld show. I can relate. It was a show not about the big things in life, but the everyday moments that make up a normal day. The things that seem so mundane and boring, and yet when written down and acted out, were very entertaining. I think about the writers of that show, and what the scripts must have looked like. I wonder if they knew how successful that show about nothing would become. And the one liners that came from it! “No soup for you!!” But I digress.

So, okay, here’s one big part that I love about writing. Many times when I am in a dilemma and I write about it, I watch the solution reveal itself to me through my writing. And, once again, here it is.

 I guess I need to be like the Seinfeld show and just write. Not worry so much if everyone (You 3 people know who you are, and thank you very much for your faithful reading!) will like everything I write. After all, they are my thoughts, and if they bore you then, you do have the power to just stop reading.

But in all sincerity, my other goal in writing is to share my life, my passions, teach anything that I can from my own life’s experiences, and help anyone that needs it.

So, I write.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silly Goose

Each year, in the early spring, a goose couple generally spends their days hanging out in and around my pond. I don’t know if it’s the same couple each year, but none the less, it’s a couple.

 They fly in some time in the morning, and fly back out in the evening, to where I assume is the spot that the entire flock gathers for the night.

They have a distinct call out to each other signaling when it’s time to leave, and then in perfect harmony, they take flight side by side, heading for their nighttime destination.

You can usually expect that same thing to occur each evening, except tonight, when it didn’t.

The couple headed away from the pond as usual, although the female, moving slowly, lagged behind to graze for a bit longer. The male honked and flapped his wings as if to signal to her that it was time to leave. She just kept grazing, walking behind him. He honked once more, and then took off!!... She stopped grazing, and looked up to see him flying away.

He kept flying. She kept watching him. He was gone. She stood in the same spot looking toward the sky, as if she was trying to command him to return and get her.

I sat and watched her for over 20 minutes, not sure what to think or expect.

She continued staring up at the sky from the exact spot where he left her.

Of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do some narration in my head as to what she must be thinking, and what he was going to think when he turned around and she wasn’t there. I giggled... Aahh couples.

Anyway, after I found some humor in the situation, I started to get concerned for her. What if she has eggs in her and now she lost her mate?

She still stood there.

My internal dialog went something like this:

"What should I do?"

"Nothing, Meg, you have to let nature take its course."

 "I know...The poor thing!"

Just then, after 20 minutes, I heard a honk, and she looked up towards that honk.

Oh, please let it be her mate!

He flew in and landed right by her side, and without missing a beat, she resumed grazing, barely acknowledging him. He lowered his head in a sign of aggression and I wondered if maybe that wasn’t her mate, but then he calmed down as she kept grazing.

 I thought to myself, she really looked worried while he was gone, but as soon as he showed up, she acted like she didn’t even know he was gone. Silly Goose!

They waddled toward the pond for a quick dip, and then, together this time, they flew off in perfect harmony.

Next Steps

 


Included in my severance package, was a subscription for a career placement company, and to kick that service off, I had to sit in on a webinar to hear what they had to offer.

I had been so busy with the holidays, and a relentless cold, that I didn’t have much time to think about my redirection from my Corporate America role to my unemployed role, so, when the call came in to set this webinar up, my gut immediately reminded me of which role I was now playing.

Oh, yeah, that…

So, finally, after a less than professional start to their webinar, I listened to the company talk about what steps needed to occur to get ready for my next job search. Truthfully, I didn’t want to be on this call; I didn’t want to be in this position, but I knew the value of their service, so I sucked it up and tried to make the best of it.

They talked about the importance of networking, LinkedIn and all of  the Social Media channels, the elevator speech, resume writing, interviewing and on and on; all topics that I was aware of already, all topics that I didn’t want to hear about right now.

What was wrong with me?!

Now, only half listening to the webinar, I stared out the window and watched a Red Tail Hawk floating on the wind, searching the ground below for his next meal. I thought to myself, he is sending me a message; “Fly and follow your passion, Meg!” and I thought to myself “Yes, that’s what I want to hear about right now!”

My prior career had never been about my passion, just a means to an end. And with that fleeting thought, the Hawk then flapped his wings furiously, which I interpreted to mean “You will have to work hard to get to your passion, it’s not as easy as my soaring in the sky appears”

That’s okay, I am okay with hard work if it means finally getting to my passion.

To those who think I am crazy, I stand behind my belief that we are always receiving signs and messages from the universe, but so many times, we choose to ignore them. I choose to watch very closely for signs, probably too much, but I don’t want to miss anything important, and I would like to point out that as soon as that webinar was done, I didn’t see the Hawk anymore.

Coincidence? I think not!

So, what are my passions, and next steps? Well, I am passionate about many things, but I am also very practical, so I am taking a two pronged approach to this. I am going to fully utilize the services offered to me and continue to look for a career in Corporate America, hopefully the creative side of it this time, and for the first time in my life, I feel that I am finally brave enough to pursue my other passion in writing.

Writing about what? Well, that’s still to be determined, but who am I to argue with universe.

Re-directed

This quote has been so true for me, and I need to keep it at the front of my brain and continue to have faith in it for the next journey in my life.

This journey, as most of my journeys, is still unknown, a little scary, and filled with more questions than answers, but I am keeping an open mind.

I have been in corporate America for many years. I know how things go down when you have a regime change, so while I anticipated some shake up to occur due to a recent change, I hadn’t really expected to be hearing these words that were said to me last week. “Due to the company reorganization, your current position is being relocated to the corporate office. We value you and would like you to stay with us in your position, however, you must relocate in order to keep it”

BAM! I felt like I had just been kicked in the gut…really... hard...

My stomach churned, my pulse raced, and my face felt like it was on fire. I worked hard to maintain my composure, stay professional, and keep a poker face while I listened to their offer. Sadly, an offer I could not accept. I couldn’t just move away from my family, my home and my life, but what would happen if I didn’t accept it?

They went on to explain that if I didn’t accept the offer to relocate, I would be offered a severance package.

Wait… what??!!

A severance package? Me?

Yep, me.

So I sat and listened as much as I could under the circumstances, to the details of my severance package. My stomach churned even harder and threatened to retaliate against me. Oh, how I cursed my nervous gut!

I would get a package sent to my home the next day with all of the details and documents that were discussed in the meeting. 

I took notes as fast and as legible as I could, while trying to comprehend all that they were saying. When they were done talking, they asked me if I had any questions, to which I quietly replied “No, not at this time”

I thought to myself, you just gave me life changing news, and you seriously think that I can come up with a clear thought?

I then gathered my composure and my things and quietly slipped out of a company that I had worked at for over 23 years. I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to anyone as there were others that they were going to talk to, and they didn’t want me to tip anyone off. I wanted to be sad for whoever else that this was going to happen to, but could only focus on my own news.

The drive home was agonizing and a little surreal. What was I going to say to my family? Had I made a rash decision not to accept the company paid relocation offer without consulting them first? Surely they wouldn’t want me to move, but still, this was a big decision to make without hearing them out.

Ugh, what did I just do?

Finally home, I was numb, except for my gut which was still feeling the nerves.

Okay, what’s next? I finally got the courage to tell my husband, who at first was in disbelief, and then, encouraging to me. We would talk about it more when he got home from work, so I sat alone in a quiet house wondering again; what’s next, why me, what if, and all of the other what’s and whys that could possibly enter a mind when you get that kind of news.

With the never-ending thoughts consuming me, I decided to run my weekly errands. After all, I wasn’t working, so I might as well get that done, plus, I was hoping that the distraction would give my overloaded mind a break. Getting out did help with that, but it didn’t keep the tears from stinging my eyes every time I relived that meeting.

I tried to see the positive in it, and told myself that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that, and wanted to be optimistic about what might be next for me. I reminded myself that this was better than being told that someone I loved was no longer around. That actually helped me to put it into perspective in my strong moments, but I still struggled in my weak ones.

Corporate America was good to me, and this was going to be a change. Not that I ever made my job my identity, but it helped me to make a nice living and this was a good company to work for.

The package was delivered as promised the next day. I read and reread it trying to comprehend it all. It was hard, to say the least, and it took a couple of days to really understand that their offer was very generous. It would give me the financial security needed while I figured out next steps, so I felt blessed for that.

Next couple of days brought a lot of soul searching and discussions with my family and closest friends. “It will be okay”, I reassured them, as I was secretly reassuring myself, not really sure if I was believing it. Luckily, no one thought that I had made the wrong decision in turning down the relocation offer and agreed with my reasons for doing so.

So, here it is a week later. I sit at my computer writing this with many feelings and thoughts going on in my body and mind. I still don’t know where I am going, or where I will end up, but I do know that if the future is anything like the past, then I must believe and reiterate this:

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better.”

I am hopeful.

Goodness

I haven’t written much in a while, quite a while actually. Not that I haven’t felt the need nor desire to, or have had a lack of things to write about. Truthfully, I could have written my thoughts in a thousand different blogs on what’s going on in the world, and more near and dear to my heart, the issues with our beautiful, but oh so suffering, USA.

My mother always said that you shouldn’t talk about religion and politics to anyone, as everyone has their own opinion and you aren’t going to change that. So, I have lived by that advice, and I am not going to start now, but I will say that I am sickened by what is going on in what seems like everywhere, with everything, and everyone. So much that it’s hard not to think that there is more evil than good in this world.

 I have lived through threats of wars, real wars, bad politicians, and just plain bad people, but I cannot ever remember so much going on all the same time! Maybe it’s always been this bad, and I didn’t realize it, but do now in our age of instant information. Or, maybe there really is this much evil, selfishness, and hatred out there, but I hope not.

 I know some really beautiful, loving and giving people, and those are the ones that I surround myself with. The kind of people that really just want to have love, peace and happiness in their lives. Simple really, but lately, if you watch the news, it feels like that is hard to have. Luckily for me, I know many good people, and two people in particular that I am blessed to have in my life are my mother and father in law.

They are the epitome of hard working, giving, beautiful, and loving people. They restore my faith in human kind in so many ways, including a couple of weeks ago. While my 89 year old mom in law was in the hospital for a fairly serious infection, her family gathered in her room waiting for the doctor to advise the options for her recovery. Some of the siblings stepped out of the room for a moment, but I stayed behind and witnessed a beautiful moment between them that I have to share.

 Mom in law looked over at her husband of 67 years with fear and sadness in her eyes. Dad in law (a gentle giant mountain of a man) came over to her and reached down to kiss her. They kissed, hugged, and both had tears in their eyes as she softly assured him that she was not going to leave him, to which he replied that when she did take that journey, he would be going with her. True love, and one of the most beautiful things that I have ever seen! I thought to myself, if we could all experience that kind of love and devotion, wouldn’t this world be a better place with less hate, evil and anger?

Yes, there is a lot going on out in this world, and a lot of it is scary, and very sad, but I also know that there is still goodness and good people out there too. Maybe we have to look a little harder to find it, or open our eyes a little wider to see it, but if we all live by example with the goal of love, peace and happiness, maybe we too can experience that same kind of pure love and devotion that took place between two scared, beautiful people in that hospital room a couple of weeks ago.