Given how I was as a child, I think that some people (mainly my older siblings) might be shocked to know how difficult it is for me to truly relax, just sit, or do nothing for any period of time.
As a child, my siblings used to say that I had two speeds, slow and stop, and to their point, I didn’t move very fast, really at anything, or at any time, but oh how things are different now!
For whatever reason, I always feel like I need to be doing something, or if I’m not, I am not feeling very productive. I hear of others that can spend an entire day just sitting and binge watching shows! I can’t even imagine that! Well, maybe if it was a rainy day and there was nothing else to do, but I guarantee that I could still find a closet to clean or organize somewhere, so no, I can’t imagine.
Now there are exceptions to that rule, such as; (and this only applies when all of my house work is done) hanging out at my pond, while I am meditating, or, on the rare occasion that I do go on vacation, (and it is usually to a beach) I can definitely relax at the ocean. That is a force that I don’t even try to reckon with.
I attribute the vacation relaxing to not being at home where there seems to be the never ending "to do" list that always nags at me, and even though I am sitting quietly during meditation, I can rationalize that as I technically am doing something productive, such as trying to quiet my ever noisy mind.
But other than those occasions, I just can’t seem to do it. When guests are over, it’s hard for me to sit and enjoy their company for very long without the feeling that I should be checking on dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and ensuring that they have everything that they need.
I honestly don’t know when this compulsion kicked in, but I have to think that it’s in my genes and there is nothing that I can do about it as my son seems to suffer from the same thing. Poor guy!
My mother told me stories about my German grandparents who came to America from Prussia which might explain some of this. When my mother and father would be visiting them, as soon as my dad put an ash in the ash tray, my grandmother would quickly grab the ashtray, empty it, wipe it out, and put it down before my dad could get another puff on his cigarette. That sounds exhausting, and luckily I am not quite that bad, but some who have seen me might also argue that point.
She also told about how my grandma would swiftly gather any candy wrappers and take them to the trash as soon as anyone took a piece of candy from the candy dish. Now that I can relate to! Ugh…
Here is an interesting thought to me. (Or at least I think it’s interesting) Although I can’t sit still for very long at home, I really don’t have the urge to always be going places, so I can’t attribute my restlessness to wanting to get out of my house. I actually would rather be at my house, than just about any other place. Well, any other place like running errands. I would gladly leave my house for something fun to do!
So I wonder, is this an inherited Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or is it something else? Am I trying to make up for all of the “slowness” that I lived throughout my childhood? Maybe a little of both?
While writing this blog, I came across opinions for both sides of restlessness, some saying it’s a good thing, and others not so good, and so who really knows?
I think I need to conduct a study of sorts to find out. Maybe a nice long vacation, to a beautiful hot beach somewhere would help. If such an opportunity popped up, I would be more than willing to take that on and report back my findings, but first, I have to stop writing and make dinner.
I mean, I have been sitting in front of this computer for over an hour now!