I did something so strange tonight, that it shocked even me. As I was finishing up my dinner, I grabbed my phone and for a split second, thought that I could just dial it and call my mom.
Now it’s not like my mom just recently died, so recently that I was still into a habit of calling her. No, my mom died 5 years ago this month, and when she did die, she had been living in an assisted care facility, so I had not really picked up the phone to talk to her since she had her own apartment, which was more than 6 years ago. And that is what makes that gesture of me picking up the phone, so strange to me. I had not picked up a phone to call her for over 6 years, as when I did talk to her, it was in person when I would visit her.
In that split second when I realized what I was doing, and how I couldn’t call her, I started to think about why I did that??
Did I have so much on my mind lately, that I forgot that she is gone? No, I know every day that she is gone, but if I could have talked to her, what would I have said, why was I calling her?
I think I would have started out by telling her about how my new kitten, Beans, (named that because his paw pads are the color of coffee beans) was still desperately trying to get my older cat, Josie to play with him, and how Josie was having none of that! I think that would have made her laugh, and I loved making my mom laugh.
I would have asked for her advice on what to do with my current job struggle that I am having. She always had the best advice, whether the advice was that I just needed to suck it up, or that I shouldn’t put up with it. Whatever I came to her about, that was generally her advice, one or the other, and she was always right. God I really needed to hear her give me the right advice now!
I try to channel her thoughts to me, and I think in this instance, she would tell me that I shouldn’t have to put up with it, but for now, I have to suck it up until I find something better. Of course that sounded like her advice!
I would have tried to emphasize how hard it is to find a good job, even now after the economy seems to be getting better. I think she would have said that she was glad that she didn’t have to work in this day and age. I know she would have said that because she said that to me years ago whenever I would update her on what was going on in the world. She had been retired from nursing for many years by then, so she didn’t really concern herself with things, such as the economy, as it didn’t affect her.
I would then have told her about the Ebola virus and how it is now in the USA, and how scary it is; to which she might had replied that every generation has their diseases and disasters that they had to deal with, and this is just one in this generation. She would have probably also gone on to say that we need to make sure that all of the grandchildren and great grandchildren in our family were safe and healthy, and would remind me again of how blessed our family is not with money so much, but of having a perfect record of healthy babies!
Oh how she loved babies! Of course she loved them as she had 11 of her own, and since she left 5 years ago, our family has added about 10 more great grandchildren!
By the end of that call, I would have felt better, and would have hung up having a better perspective on things. I would have ended the call with “Ich liebe dich Mom, thank you for once again helping me, now and forever!”
Now I know why I reached for that phone.