Given how I was as
a child, I think that some people (mainly my older siblings) might be shocked
to know how difficult it is for me to truly relax, just sit, or do nothing for
any period of time.
As a child, my
siblings used to say that I had two speeds, slow and stop, and to their point,
I didn’t move very fast, really at anything, or at any time, but oh how things
are different now!
For whatever
reason, I always feel like I need to be doing something, or if I’m not, I am
not feeling very productive. I hear of others that can spend an entire day just
sitting and binge watching shows! I can’t even imagine that! Well, maybe if it
was a rainy day and there was nothing else to do, but I guarantee that I could
still find a closet to clean or organize somewhere, so no, I can’t imagine.
Now there are
exceptions to that rule, such as; (and this only applies when all of my house
work is done) hanging out at my pond, while I am meditating, or, on the rare
occasion that I do go on vacation, (and
it is usually to a beach) I can definitely relax at the ocean. That is a force
that I don’t even try to reckon with.
I attribute the
vacation relaxing to not being at home where there seems to be the never ending
"to do" list that always nags at me, and even though I am sitting
quietly during meditation, I can rationalize that as I technically am doing
something productive, such as trying to quiet my ever noisy mind.
But other than
those occasions, I just can’t seem to do it. When guests are over, it’s hard
for me to sit and enjoy their company for very long without the feeling that I
should be checking on dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and ensuring that they
have everything that they need.
I honestly don’t
know when this compulsion kicked in, but I have to think that it’s in my genes
and there is nothing that I can do about it as my son seems to suffer from the
same thing. Poor guy!
My mother told me
stories about my German grandparents who came to America from Prussia which
might explain some of this. When my mother and father would be visiting them,
as soon as my dad put an ash in the ash tray, my grandmother would quickly grab
the ashtray, empty it, wipe it out, and put it down before my dad could get
another puff on his cigarette. That sounds exhausting, and luckily I am not
quite that bad, but some who have seen me might also argue that point.
She also told about
how my grandma would swiftly gather any candy wrappers and take them to the
trash as soon as anyone took a piece of candy from the candy dish. Now that I can relate to! Ugh…
Here is an
interesting thought to me. (Or at least I think it’s interesting) Although I can’t
sit still for very long at home, I really don’t have the urge to always be
going places, so I can’t attribute my restlessness to wanting to get out of my
house. I actually would rather be at my house, than just about any other place.
Well, any other place like running errands. I would gladly leave my house for something fun to do!
So I wonder, is
this an inherited Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or is it something else? Am I trying to make up for all
of the “slowness” that I lived throughout my childhood? Maybe a little of both?
While writing this
blog, I came across opinions for both sides of restlessness, some saying it’s a
good thing, and others not so good, and so who really knows?
I think I need to
conduct a study of sorts to find out. Maybe a nice long vacation, to a
beautiful hot beach somewhere would help. If such an opportunity popped up, I
would be more than willing to take that on and report back my findings, but
first, I have to stop writing and make dinner.
I mean, I have been sitting in front of this computer for over an hour now!
